On a funny note, I got all excited last night when I had enough pre-ground coffee sitting in my grinder’s collection cup to make coffee this morning. I made a mental note to always grind some extra in case of emergencies. But then reality hit and I remembered that I wouldn’t be able to make coffee anyway without electricity! All I can say is THANK GOD THE POWER CAME BACK BEFORE MORNING. Note to self: Get a propane fueled little one burner stove and a camping coffee maker.
I just saw this ad from Google, and it made me tear up…especially with “love is love is love is love”… https://www.google.com/trends/yis/2016/GLOBAL …when so many seem to thrive on and brag about hate nowadays…when so many hide behind anonymous computers to attack others.
I tend to get melancholy at holiday time anyway, but the loss the past couple of days of both George Michael and Carrie Fisher, two people who used their own personal suffering and struggles to help others (look up George’s secret charity work and Carrie was very open about her mental illness while trying to help others struggling with it), has left me feeling very contemplative about life.
Are you truly using your life? I am asking myself this, as well as all of you. When you die, will the world be better off after having had you in it…no matter if you are here 20 years or 90? Not everyone is meant to find the cure for cancer or create world peace, but perhaps something you said to a stranger in Trader Joe’s stopped that person from killing himself or others. Perhaps little kindnesses really DO create a ripple effect. But, also aim high. Go huge. Do try to find the cure for cancer and ALS. Do try to create world peace.
I’m 50 now and my entire life has been a waste. If I died tomorrow, I will have thrown away 50 years of opportunity. Personally, I need to make changes…although I can’t force people to love me and care about me. I also need to cut all assholes out of my life and not give them one more smidgen of my energy. Instead I’ll give my energy to people who don’t hate due to race, creed, color, sexual orientation, religion, etc. I’ll not give my energy to people who ONLY respond to my posts when they have something argumentative or insulting to say. DELETE. Move along.
Whatever your talent is, you have that gift for a reason. Use it. No excuses in 2017. If you are a great singer, sing in the middle of Smith’s Market! If you are a gifted writer, write like your life depends upon it…because it does. Every minute that you are ignoring your talents and passions, you are killing yourself. I adored Carrie Fisher’s (and we shared the same first legal first name) writing because it was so fucking honest. She may have been writing, in part, to help herself work though things, but in her soul splayed open writing also helped others dealing with addiction and mental illness.
The superficiality of so much social media and me, me, me, me, me is turning me off. And yes, I’ve taken my share of selfies. Turning your cell phone camera outward toward the world is a good idea. But an even better idea is putting the phone down to hug someone who needs it, even if that person is a stranger.
I’m just thinking out loud with my fingers on a keyboard. But, I’m determined to change things in 2017. Life is short and none of us is guaranteed tomorrow. Leave a long and beautiful obituary.
I just got back from 2 days in Taos, discounting travel time…after driving 90 mph for 4.5 hours. It was magical, as always.
I’m sitting here…home…but not “home”. What have I done? I fully expect a high level job offer from XXXX (can’t name it but it’s a great place in the Denver area) this coming week and I will be thrilled (and relieved after over 4 months of looking) but there is a tug at my soul. It’s name is Taos.
I’m going to miss waving at strangers as they pass by in their cars and trucks. I’m going to miss the deadbeats who brag that they’ve not worked in 14 months, hate the government, but are on food stamps (keep in mind I’m on them) and give tips on how to get the most out of food stamps with half off coupons. Or the ones the locals told me about who stop by daily to bum a cigarette. I’m going to miss the people who have walked away from high level jobs/lives to devote themselves to traveling the world doing yoga service (working for room and board along the way). I’m going to miss the people who just “happened” to pass through Taos on their way to somewhere else and knew they couldn’t leave…like the Seattle artist I met last April who, on his way back from an art tour in London, fell in love with Taos and never returned to Seattle. Or, the woman I met at The Snowmansion hostel years ago who decided, on a whim, to veer off and check out Taos on her way back to her home in Wyoming from Sedona…who went back to Wyoming, quit her high paying government job, sold her property, and moved to Taos with no idea how she would survive but knew “It will work out.”
I’m going to miss the people intently photographing sunflowers by the side of the road. I’m going to miss the bad singers in Taos Plaza blasting their voices over speakers with tip jars out…but…so happy to be singing with joy. I’m going to miss the artists set up in the middle of coffee house parking lots painting what the bright sunlight at 7,000′ shows. I’m going to miss Taos’ night sky with billions of stars. Have you ever seen the Milky Way? I have. I’m going to miss the quiet. I’m going to miss the voice of Taos Mountain and La Bruja (witch) that appears at the top of the next door mountain peak…broomstick and all (a stereotype I don’t love but she’s cute with her pigtail blowing in the wind). I’m going to miss the bartering between locals as they each support each other. I’m going to miss CPAs/marathoners who tell me that their REAL job is to be in Taos. I’m going to miss the strangers in dreadlocks who offer to make me coffee. I’m going to miss the guy from Scandinavia who ended up in Taos because he threw a dart at a map on the wall and it landed on Taos. I’m going to miss baristas and German girls in hostels who break into song. I’m going to miss the fact that everyone is either related to each other or knows each other, and looks out for each other.
I’m going to miss the stories…the wonderful and magical stories of how people ended up in Taos. When you say to someone, “This place is SO special and weird” and they look at you knowingly, and nod in agreement. I’m going to miss talking with people who are in Taos to attend the Earthship Academy. Yes, there is an Earthship Academy. And then there was the couple who’ve lived in the Taos area their entire lives, yet still drive out to the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge to eat dinner and watch the sunset. I talked to a very elderly man yesterday who told me Taos called him 22 years ago. He was at Wired, eating a scone or something, and reading the New Yorker. He told me (after hearing my 1998 story) that my story reminded him of Mabel Dodge Lujan. Then, of course, there is Dennis Hopper…who, while looking for places to film Easy Rider, fell so in love with Taos that he lived there for 40 years.
I am crying as I type this. I do love Colorado. It’s beautiful and full of opportunity and welcoming people (despite the current deluge of 10,000 per month). I’m very alone in the world with no one else to rely on and have to take care of myself financially…and Denver is an economic hot spot. At this point, at 49 and alone for 49 years, I can’t expect that to change. Hope just creates letdown. I have to plan for my future/later years. I don’t want to struggle in Taos with 3 part-time jobs with no benefits. With tears rolling down my cheeks…I feel stuck. I know that my ashes will be sprinkled in Taos someday. I just hope that’s not too late for me to be there.
During my weekend in Taos I got a lot of power numbers, especially 111.
My friend in Massachusetts visited my grave today and placed a sunflower. As if I wasn’t already crying. Thank you, Tumeria. A sunflower turns its face to the sun. Very symbolic.
Certain passings, even when the person is not someone I personally knew, leave me devastated. Waking up this morning to hear that David Bowie had passed away, crushed me as if a close loved one had died. I’m still not over losing Robin Williams. The sudden unexpectedness may be part of the reason today’s news hit so hard…especially since I was celebrating David’s 69th birthday on Friday and the release of a new album. When we lose people without warning (Robin was a total shock) it tends to make people think more about the fragility of life and how short our time really is here on Earth. It makes us realize that our days are numbered and that we need to make a mark in the world. David, like Robin, truly used all of his talent. He was a groundbreaker on so many fronts. He lived his purpose. He added color and creativity and art to not only the world of music and film, but also to the planet. By being who he was, without apology, he saved lives. I’m convinced of that. I know there are people out there who were struggling with their sexuality and identity who looked at David and thought, “I’m uniquely me and that is a good thing.” He may have prevented suicides by not being afraid to be unique. I fully believe that.
I’ve always said that I wish I could have the talent of being able to write music as I think being able to create music is THE best talent there is. Music connects us to our Source. Music connects us to God and our soul. David was born with a talent that he fully used, and his final gift to us…Blackstar…seems to be the perfect goodbye, as only he could say goodbye.
I know I am not alone in the world when I say that I’ve struggled to find my purpose my whole life. Why am I here? A lot of people ask that question. We need to know there is a reason for our existence as there are no accidents and everyone has been sent here for a good reason. We all have work to do. But what? On New Year’s Eve when I was 10, while everyone else was partying, I was in a neighbor’s back room…horribly upset because another year had passed and I had not accomplished anything yet. I felt I was running out of time and needed to hurry. I had important work to do in the world, and time was a wasting. I started obsessively keeping a nightly journal at age 11 because I “knew” books would be written about me someday and I wanted to have the facts correct. (Many years later during an impulsive moment I threw out years and years of journals, which I’ll never forgive myself for.)
One of the most common questions people ask is, “What is my purpose?” I think it’s natural to feel that we each have some grandiose purpose, some huge thing we are supposed to accomplish while in our physical body. But, because of what some kind soul said to me on Twitter today, what a friend said today, and because of something I heard a couple of years ago, I’m rethinking that one BIG purpose thing. Maybe not everyone has one huge thing to accomplish. Maybe our “true work”…our purpose…is actually made up of tiny daily interactions with other people and animals. Maybe smiling at a stranger in Trader Joe’s or complimenting someone on the street, when you know you’ll never see that person again, totally changed their life? What if that person came from a family where he/she was only put down and disparaged and the fact you said something nice or smiled at them, acknowledging their existence as a soul, stopped him/her from committing suicide later that day? Maybe being comic relief in a very serious office totally makes your coworkers’ lives better? THAT may be your true work.
Many years ago I was waiting in the lobby of AIDS Project Los Angeles, and without thinking much of it, I started chatting with this man also waiting there. I can’t even remember now what we were talking about, but when I got up to leave, he got tears in his eyes and thanked me. He thanked me for talking to him. He had not been treated like a human being with value for so long, it made him cry. People had been avoiding interacting with him. I could see that he was sick, but it didn’t even dawn on me to not talk to him. I couldn’t NOT see him as a soul deserving decent treatment. He made me cry. Something seemingly inconsequential from my point, when talking about the weather or whatever, made the world of difference to that man. I will never forget him and that encounter. I truly feel I was used by God that day. And you are also used in the same manner every single day. We are all interconnected.
I just “happened” to see a post today by The Minimalists that included a bunch of quotes from the film “Fight Club”. Pay special attention to the last two quotes on the list. http://www.theminimalists.com/fc/ — They are powerful and make one think. My new goal is to use my life on a daily basis. Life is a terminal disease and I want to make whatever difference I can make in the world now, as there may not be a tomorrow.
My day started off great when I got an email from WordPress with my blog’s stats for 2015 and saw that I was read by people in 91 different countries, including Botswana, Mali, India, Saudi Arabia, and Vietnam. How cool is that?! (If you’re bored, you can see the stats here: https://bridge4spirit.wordpress.com/2015/annual-report/) And I was not very good at keeping up with either of my blogs this past year. I need to make more of an effort in 2016. Of course, there’s always the “Do I actually have something of value to say?” dilemma. Tonight’s post is kind of a hodgepodge, but I need to write because there was some type of thread that ran throughout my entire day. It’s a frayed thread, but it’s a thread. And, someone in spirit is urging me to blabber on.
I was bored today…like majorly BORED. So bored, I even did some cleaning. Yeah, THAT bad. I wandered my neighborhood aimlessly for a while just to kill time until I could justify going to Starbucks for hours. I checked Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and my email 3,978 times. I counted. That’s the exact number of times. Okay, I lie. I didn’t count. That would be a little bit obsessive compulsive. I did post on Facebook just how bored I was, and said that I felt like I’m just biding my time, waiting to die. That’s a pretty accurate description. I know how precious and short life is, and I’m wasting it. Tick…tock…tick…tock. That’s how I feel at work too, sitting in an office doing work that is a total waste of every talent I have. But, rent must be paid and my cats demand food. But, am I REALLY wasting my life? Perhaps. And perhaps not. As fate would have it, I saw a post from a fellow medium friend that I needed to see. It was a link to an article by a man I’d never heard of before, Zach Herbert, and I totally resonated with it because…well…I curse like a fucking truck driver. You can read his GREAT article here: https://zachherbert.com/2015/06/03/spiritual-people-dont-say-fuck/
One of my favorite writers/humans is Henry Miller. Oh how I wish I could have known him! The cool thing is that years ago in a Spiritualist Church service, a medium told me I did have a connection to Henry. So, maybe in a past life I did know him. I’ve always had a strong connection to the 1920s…and all things France…so it would make sense. Henry was often crude and somewhat obnoxious, yet, intensely spiritual. Google his quotes and you’ll see what I mean. He was the epitome of what Zach Herbert talks about in the article I read today. You don’t have to be the Dalai Lama to be spiritually based. You don’t have to be an angel/perfect/virginal/100% holy to be a spiritually led person. To be spiritual simply means that you see the spiritual reason for life’s events. You see God in things, people, and events. Although I felt like I was wasting my brief life today wandering around, I also know that in my boredom there is purpose. My boredom may be important. Cancel that. My boredom IS important. Everything is important. Nothing is by chance.
Traveling back to Albuquerque yesterday from Los Angeles, where I spent Christmas, I met…by “coincidence”…several people in different locations who lived in Sacramento, California. I’ve been trying to get out of Albuquerque for over a year but have focused on Denver, Boulder, Portland, San Diego, and MAYBE Los Angeles (where I swore I’d never live again). I really hadn’t given any thought to Sacramento, except for about one day many, many months ago. But, talking to these people, I became interested as it’s cheaper (by far) than San Francisco, Los Angeles, and San Diego…and conveniently located so that it’s not hard to get to southern Oregon, Mount Shasta (powerful vortex), Reno, Lake Tahoe, the Bay Area, and Los Angeles. Plus, according to what I saw months ago on Meetup.com, it seems to have a big metaphysical community. Now, many people would not think anything about chatting with various people in different airports, on different planes, etc. who all happen to live in Sacramento and really like it…but…people who live in spirit, go, “Ah ha! This is too coincidental to be just coincidence and I need to look into moving to Sacramento as an option.” Spiritual people PAY ATTENTION. It wasn’t an accident that I talked to the people I talked to yesterday. Even if I’m not meant to actually live in Sacramento, I do think there is something there for me that I need to figure out.
Another “by chance” thing happened at Starbucks today (keeping in mind I was feeling aimless and like my life is going nowhere) when I went to YouTube to watch more vegan/diet/fitness videos. All these videos kept showing up that had one thing in common. They were all about discovering your life’s purpose. It was weird. I was searching for “paleo vegan” “vegan paleo” “don’t count calories” “high carb low fat vegan” “kettlebells for osteoporosis” etc. yet these TEDS talks about discovering why you were born kept appearing. Ummm….HELLO! If I’ve not mentioned it before, my unseen friends can be pretty pushy! And, as I applied to some jobs online while sipping my coffee, I felt sick. Not because of Starbucks awesome coffee. I felt sickened by the jobs I was applying for, which seemed to be quality jobs. Note to self, if you want to throw up when you are applying for a job, your soul is trying to tell you NOOOOOOOO! Listen to the nausea. That is true for any decision. I once let this guy move into my apartment as a roommate to save money and my gut warned me, but I stupidly didn’t listen to the knot in my gut. I paid for that one. Think dangerous nut job who had hand grenades in the apartment!
Leaving Starbucks later than I should have stayed there, in the cold (freaking freezing here right now) and dark…with wet ground (we had snow)…I saw a man in the parking lot of the business next to Starbucks with a mat or fabric on the ground, doing his nightly Islamic prayers. Watching this man very devotedly and solitarily doing his prayers in a physically challenging location really hit me. There was beauty in it. He didn’t need a mosque. He knew that Allah/God/Great Spirit is beyond a mosque/church/temple…that, in his case, Allah is everywhere. How easy it is to go to church on Sunday and sit on a comfortable bench in a heated, well lit, place. To me, it’s more important to connect to God everywhere, every day…one on one with direct communication vs. listening to someone else tell you about God. There is nothing quite like actual experience. Reading about it doesn’t cut it.
When I got home, I received an email from someone who felt she was helping me by giving me her opinion…an opinion I did not ask for. According to her, I’m dancing with the devil because of my mediumship and that the Arcturians I channel (she didn’t mention Pleiadians or Andromedans so they must be okay…HA HA) are evil because they don’t espouse Jesus as their savior. Actually, I do think they’ve mentioned Jesus before in positive terms, although it’s true, they never said he was their savior. In any case, she pissed me off royally and I responded pretty bluntly. I just “love” it when others tell me I’m going to hell if I keep doing what GOD CREATED ME TO DO. I should have sent her that YouTube interview of a Catholic priest who admitted the Church created the whole concept of hell to keep people in control via fear. But, I didn’t do that. I controlled myself. Although I should have responded in a more loving way than I did, I will point you back to Zach Herbert’s article linked above. I’m a human being with my own challenges, strengths, foibles, and temperament. I have a temper and very little patience for people trying to convert me to any religion. I’m 100% sure I know what I’m doing and where I’m going when I die. Remember, I talk to “dead people”. Heck, I’ve been to the Other Side and seen it!
After getting myself riled up due to that email, I happened to see Carrie Fisher fighting back against anonymous COWARDS on Twitter who’ve been attacking her. (The story is here: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/carrie-fisher-responds-criticism-her-851448) It’s really, really upsetting just how many totally hateful, cruel jerks hide behind computer screens online. I know the Earth’s vibration is supposedly increasing and that we are evolving into higher levels of consciousness, but you could have fooled me! Carrie is an awesome person and fabulous writer and put these bullies into their proper place. I sent her a tweet of support and I hope she got it. There is simply no reason to cut someone down who has done nothing to you. But, for whatever reason, many pitiful people feel their opinion is what matters and that they have the right to purposely hurt someone else who is just living her/his life…minding her/his own business.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for hanging in there! I just had stuff I had to get off my chest tonight. I do want to thank everyone all over the world who takes time out of their life to read my blog. I do hope I pass along something of value. I wish you all a happy and healthy new year!
I will end this with a quote from Henry Miller, “The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.”