I’m going to warn you that this post will be all over the place. Get some popcorn and something to drink and settle in.
In the words of the late, great, George Michael…FREEDOM! (God I miss him.)
Many years ago in Los Angeles, a fabulous medium named Rodolfo Silva told me the first time he met me that (1) not only did I need to change my name because my birth name was so wrong for me that it was literally causing me harm — I thought he was bonkers at the time but then Atheria showed up in 1998 — and (2) that I was liked a caged animal screaming to be set free…and if I didn’t let the REAL me out, I would die a bitter old woman. (He was blunt. He also told me I’d go through life alone, which so far has been proven to be true.) For over 2 decades now, I’ve wondered, “What needs to be let out?!” I’m not totally sure, but I am feeling more and more that my quitting job after job and moving around the USA has more to do with needing freedom than being fed up with nothing to do, lack of opportunities, and no one to date (NM) or very high rent, smog, and horrid traffic (CA). I need to be freaking FREE more than I need a new zip code.
I am vegan by choice (animals are my best friends and I don’t eat my friends) but not gluten free by choice (damn Irish ancestry and Celiac Disease in my bloodline). Being vegan is restrictive enough (not that I’m saying being vegan sucks…because it doesn’t) and yet, I have limited my vegan freedom by self-imposing variations of veganism such as macrobiotics (not a fully vegan diet but can be done veganly), raw foodism (diametrically opposed to macrobiotics), high carb/low fat, low carb/high fat/Eco Atkins, etc. Maybe it’s an age thing, but I just cannot last long on an overly restrictive diet anymore. It makes me obsess about what I “can’t” have and then I freak out and eat 10 lbs. of whatever it is I “shouldn’t” eat after a few weeks. I’ve got to learn moderation! I’m a double Libra (sun and rising) for crying out loud! I think I crossed that bridge tonight though.
In April 2014 I was diagnosed with early onset osteoporosis, probably due to not only the fact that I’m a very small boned (miniscule bones…I could not believe my pelvis could hold me up when I saw my DEXA scan) white woman with bone density issues in my family tree…but because I also have had eating disorders for much of my life and have done some pretty horrid things to myself. (Thankfully, the really horrid stuff was loooong ago…but the damage was done.) Anyway, I was determined to prove to my MD that yoga could rebuild bone density, if done in a specific weight bearing way, and one year later when I was re-scanned, sure enough, I had gained back some of my lost bone density. Because of that, addictive (and scared) personality type that I am, I have obsessively done this almost hour long yoga routine every single night since then. I have probably only missed a handful of days in 3.5 years. On my way back to Albuquerque from Cancun in 2015 I did yoga in the middle of the airport while people stepped over me. I’m not kidding. It has become stressful to me and I’ve turned down social opportunities (that I should go to) because I had do to yoga. I have managed to turn something healthy and good for you into an unhealthy obsession that I now often dread and which creates stress.
Maybe it’s because I’m approaching 51 and just don’t want to HAVE to do anything anymore, or maybe it’s just burnout…but not only did I plop a huge spoon of fatty sunflower seed butter on my dinner (I’m “supposed” to be eating low fat) tonight, but I said, “The heck with yoga…I’m doing something I have ALWAYS loved instead…dancing!” I remember reading a book by Marilu Henner years ago where she said that when she needed to lose weight as a young actor she started dancing every night for 25-30 minutes. I have always LOVED to dance! It’s the ONLY form of exercise that I actually enjoy and I only want to do things I enjoy from now on! Life is too damn short! I have lost a lot of friends in their 40s and 50s the past few years.
I started streaming Pandora through my Roku TV and guess what the very first song was…(I’m going to start applying for jobs back in Hollywood later next month)…FAME by my beloved (God I miss him so much) David Bowie! That was followed up by Rhianna singing S&M (Don’t listen if you’re a prude), Usher singing something (Who cares? This is cutie Usher we’re talking about), Flo Rida, and then some other chick I’ve never heard of but whose dance song I liked. I danced like a freaking crazy woman for exactly 32 minutes and it was AWESOME! Now, this was not mild dancing we’re talking about here. I used my entire body and threw in some push-ups and yoga poses for good measure. Animals do NOT work out. Animals do not go to gyms. They USE their bodies during the day and that’s what I’m going to try to start doing. At work I’ll talk to my boss while doing a handstand. (He’s used to me being odd.) I think it’s much better to break exercise up and sneak it in throughout the day. And that way, you feel freer! Cats stretch and do yoga randomly throughout the day. Horses suddenly gallop. We can be animals! Once again, the animal kingdom is way ahead of us stupid humans.
So, I’ve mentioned freeing yourself from dietary (think moderation in a vegan context) and fitness/workout rules. That’s only part of the whole freedom thing. I am fully prepared and willing to live in my Honda Fit if I need to do that. My only complication, because I’ve thought about this, is my 2 fur kids. The cats would not love living in a car. Granted, I could get one of these cool pet backpacks…or a pet stroller…but I do think that they’d mutiny pretty quickly. Oh the responsibilities of being a fur kid parent!
All I know is that I need FREEDOM and I will not be truly happy until I totally free myself from all societal limitations and rules. Our souls are meant to be free! We are not born to simply pay bills and die. There is more importance to our lives than that. And, speaking of which, this happened today: https://www.instagram.com/p/BZKPLwAH2N7/
So yes, I am indeed supposed to be writing. I do wish my unseen friends would help a bit more though and tell me which of my ideas to focus on, and if it’s the film…help me with a major plot issue I’ve been blocked regarding for close to 25 years! My soul is intrinsically a writer, even when pursuing acting years ago. I once wrote this monologue for an acting class because I couldn’t find a monologue to perform that I really resonated with. When I performed the emotional piece, I got lovely compliments on my acting…but the compliments on the writing actually meant more to me. One fellow actor asked if she could perform my work. That was a huge honor and I’ll never forget it.
Since I said this post would be all over the place, it was really cool to find out today that astrologically, it’s right in my natal chart that I’m a psychic medium/trance channel and connected to the Other Side. I have Pluto and Uranus in the 12th house (for example…there are other indicators also). I am finding astrology more and more fascinating. I even have something in my chart (which I’m now blanking on) that indicates eating disorders. I have to say, though, that most of my natal chart sucks. I wish I could be reborn. I’ve told my guides I’m not ever coming back…that I’m over this incarnation crap. Granted, once I’m pure spirit…not in constant pain and all full of joy and such, I’ll probably be the overachiever that I am and agree to come back for the gazillionth time. I still think I was stoned when I agreed to this incarnation with all of its many struggles.
Well, I’ve blabbered on long enough. I need to attempt to sleep (insomnia has been back lately). I guess my main point to this post is that you should free yourself from any self imposed or society imposed restrictions. At this awful temp job many years ago, I had it pop into my head one day that the fear of my life staying the same was worse than my fear of leaping and taking a risk. I quit the cruddy temp job and pursued acting full-time for a while. It didn’t make me a movie star, but I didn’t end up living on the streets either…and now I help keep the USA safe from disaster. In between that temp job and now I also worked at Sony Pictures Entertainment where I loved my job. Quitting that to move to Oregon in 2008 was a stupid thing to do! Oh well. Everything happens for a reason and all that! I do fully believe that we are lead to some end goal. Right now mine is vague, but I’m trusting in the plan.